yep
i want very much to be part of a system. i can only watch systems that others partake in: by reading interviews with professional recording engineers and professional musicians; by reading weblogs of professional web designers; by reading anything by professional writers. i want very much to be a part of these ecosystems, or any one of them, because it seems that nothing can be accomplished outside of them. i can see that there is a very big benefit by being outside of these systems (that benefit being objectivity), but it feels like i can't do anything with that benefit without being part of a system. then it occurs to me, of course, that i have a soap box from which to speak: this diary. in the end, though, there's little that i can do to attract anyone's attention to this diary except for by doing things right: by writing well and by treating people well when they make contact with me. that, really, is all that i can do.
boy, my stomach is getting all in knots from concentrating on that depression to make sure that i get it out. you know, it seems like i don't always get stuff "out". sometimes, like in this case, i just sink back into it and it gets worse than before. oh well, two steps forward and one step back, i suppose. (or perhaps the other way around.)
did i mention, i've got a show tomorrow night. anyone in my vicinity (and if you don't know where it is, you probably aren't) should go to the ymca on buffalo gap, near where the cd warehouse used to be (may it rest in peace) at eight-thirty tomorrow. free noise and severing of spinal columns.
i've also got my first recording job. i guess it's not really a job, since i'm not getting paid or anything, but it does involve someone that i don't personally know. in twenty years this may be the point at which i look back and say, "i guess that's where i got my start."
but really, you know, i don't know if i really, truly want to be part of these systems. it just seems like it's what everybody else does. it's such a stereotype. this is ironic, really, because i live so much by stereotypes. i'm always searching for a role in my relating to people, rather than just reacting with whatever seems to be best for each particular situation. maybe my wanting to be different all the time is a reaction against this tendency. it makes sense, actually. i don't want to be stereotyped in the way that i stereotype other people. i don't know who said it, but i've heard it said that we always hate in other people what we most despise about ourselves.
i also don't know how to end this, so i guess i'll just put a period and that will be that.