naked mouse wearing a mask
aaaahhhhhh!!! i want to know!!!
i hate reading an entry on somebody else's diary (no links this time) and not knowing what they're talking about... especially when i want them to be talking about me.
despite my disgust with infatuation, i still find myself falling into it. i'm eager to be crazy about someone. i know how it works. i've been there before.
i'm sick of it, but it's so automatic and even comfortable to me to be really "interested" in every new girl i meet that i don't know how to avoid it. this is truer the cooler the girl is.
i'm also sick of writing about it. i spend too much effort on making my sentences complex, and the words get in the way of what i'm trying to say.
speaking of which, you should read "till we have faces", by c.s. lewis. very good (thanks, erin!). another friend found out that i was going to read it and recommended that i read it twice. i don't really know what that has to do with anything.
i just had an insight, i think. i got up and went to the bathroom, and i was thinking about how all the high school kids i know today seem to have so much more opportunity than i did, and that i squandered even what opportunity i had. much of that wasted opportunity was due to my marathon internet-surfing sessions in college. as i turned to leave the bathroom, i looked at myself in the mirror and had a vision of myself, years down the road, old and strung out and deadened and cynical. the internet has such possibility, but we as frail, will-less beings use it only to destroy ourselves. i want to get away from it, but i know that it can do so much for me.
i am an addict. i cannot quit anytime i want to.
i don't know what i'm going on about this for. if i really wanted to get away, i could just reach over to my desk and turn off the computer. then i would get up and go into the living room, and study for my computer networking class. see? i'm just digging myself deeper. what really bothers me is that i'm not really doing things that i think are important on the computer. i think that this diary is important in its way, but it's been taking too much priority over other things, like recording, that i'd also like to be doing.
all i know is that life is too complicated. but the wise face such complications head on, and do what seems to be best. maybe the wise are only a myth.
maybe i've just been online for too long. isn't that always the story. isn't that all there is.
does it seem like i'm reaching for drama and depression? i'm really not. oh, but how interesting it is.