control, control
i don't know why, but i never want a girl to know that i like her. i'll tell other people, but never the girl herself. i try not to even make it apparent, so that she can't figure out. i'll get to be friends with her, hang out, whatever, and end up listening to her talk about the guy that she's interested in, dating, breaking up with. why does it have to be a secret?
i actually read a book once that talked about this. it said that this is a form of control, because you're the one who gets to decide whether or not to advance the relationship.
on the other hand, even though i don't want the girl to know that i like her, i want to know if she likes me. the book pointed out that this is selfish.
anyway, i've realized that someone is about to figure out who M is. it's not M herself, so i guess it's not really a big deal. it was just weird to realize. it also makes me realize how strongly i attempt to maintain these secrets. why?
i've recently been reminded of how complicated life is, and how little control we really have over anything. people definitely get themselves into a lot of trouble, but you can get into plenty of trouble even if you're careful, because you really don't have control.
of course, since being careful often means avoiding life, it means that you can sometimes get pulled back into living against your will. i think that such things are mostly material for movies, though. too bad life's not a movie. (actually, i'm glad that it's not, because "life's not a movie" is solace when i'm scared of shadows in the middle of the night.)
it's late. i'm tired and i feel alone. hold me.