a welled-up emotional outburst
"the cycle is repeating..."
feels like life is piling up on me again. i have too much to worry about and think about and do (and that's probably the order that it will happen in, too). i don't want to do anything, i don't want to think. i want to go somewhere else and be free.
i guess i just need to sleep, but sleep won't give me a car so that i can go to the places i need to go to, sleep won't buy me the things i need, sleep won't get me off of work so that i can do things. it will just let me feel better about my circumstances, and then only if i get enough of it, which i won't, because i stay up too late and hit the snooze button for an hour straight...
so i taped my microphone back together after josh broke the windscreen off at a show. it broke (slightly) and i fixed it, slightly. i still don't have a mic cord though.
i have stuff, i have the tools to record with, but i don't have any songs to record. i can do automated fades and sends-to-aux-channels, but i would have to actually sit and listen and think. it's not hard, though, i'm just tired.
i know that it's pointless to write all this stuff down here, where you will read it, and not know what i mean, but i am tired and sad and i want to get it out. i'll feel better about writing an entry and watching my stats go back up.
i used to keep a paper journal. maybe i still should. maybe i should go to great lengths to avoid being on the computer. there are so many things that i must use it for, i should cut out the unnecessary things, like this.
but i don't really do it just for the journal. i do it for the communication. i always feel alone, almost always, and communication helps me feel less alone. but what i really want i companionship. but companionship is hard. relationships are hard, and they don't often work very well. why? why can't it work? how do i get into these situations? am i just making up excuses? what do i really need? who do i truly want?
who am i?