i wish i were a robot.
always looking for an excuse, always sending my attention elsewhere. something new, something fun, something blue under the sun. sorry.
the problem is that i don't know what i really should be focusing on and what is only a distraction. i hope that none of you are.
when playing guitar, i seem to automatically improve by being confronted with something that is a challenge. isn't that the way it is with skills? you learn, you try, you do, and you improve.
changing myself doesn't seem to follow this pattern. i see my weaknesses, but i am not overcoming them. i don't think that i am, anyway.
the people i know who try to follow God say that i should let him change me, but they also say that i should do certain things, but they also say that i should learn to let go, and so forth.
but now i am just making excuses. i have learned one thing, if anything, which is that you have to try something before you know whether or not it works. this i have not done.
(don't i sound like a character in a movie? not that i'm trying to.)
just saw "ocean's eleven" again, the remake (who has seen the original? any good?). i'd like to be like the infamous mr. ocean, who knows what he's doing, and has everything under control, even the two big guys.
i don't have much of anything under control, of course, even less than most people. it seems like everything is conspiring to demonstrate that to me; even when things could turn out nice, i louse them up before i even know it.
so, i've got an electric guitar b string around my wrist, just for decoration. it hurts. it's one of the skinny ones, it catches at the hairs.
everything i am saying sounds like something that somebody else would say. i don't even know who i really am. i might as well be just the agglomeration of my actions.
i don't think that any amount of sleep will help.
and please, don't everybody tell me not to be depressed. it seems pointless to me.
well, i'd better go to sleep. good night.