rock a bye, maybe
i miss having someone. someone with whom to share things, and to whom to point out things. fun with grammar.
i am self-centered. you may have noticed, since lots of the sentences on this here thing start with "i".
the funny thing is that i still get pained thinking about the girl i was briefly involved with last year. i still am sad and miss her when i think about her. but we were involved for like a month, and mostly we made out. there wasn't enough communication. ("mostly we made out" is probably exaggerated.) but yeah, it's been almost a year now, and i still get sad when i think about her. maybe because i never really shared anything with her in the first place? maybe because i never expressed the pain, because by then i was already here, away from everyone i know, and for some reason just didn't really confide in anyone? maybe because i've never said out loud that i miss her, that it hurts that she's gone, that, sadly, it especially hurts that she didn't just remove the possibility of romance -- she even removed me from her friends on myspace. that's the worst part, almost. the rest of it was passive; she just didn't respond to much of my attempted communication. but removing somebody from your friends list is a deliberate, conscious activity.
it makes me even sadder to consider something else about the situation: it wasn't supposed to be an emotional, big-deal kind of relationship. we worked together, but we didn't let anybody know that we were kissin'. we talked about how we shouldn't get attached (since i was about to move) -- and that was one of the few things we did Talk about. it even just seemed kind of understood, kind of telepathically communicated, that we were just going to have a nice, relaxed thing, and move on.
it's bad enough that i actually went in thinking along those lines. that's not the sort of thing i want to do. i can sure see the value of being able to make out with someone and not attach meaning to it, and i might be capable of it; but i don't like the idea, i feel like it cheapens the act, like it's supposed to have weight behind it. i can't defend that logically, it's just this thing that i hold onto. so, it's bad enough that i went against that. but then in the end i -did- get attached -- maybe just to the idea, maybe to an idealized version of her, i don't know -- and she moved on. totally understandable -- we shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place, for reasons beyond what i've mentioned. i should've let her deal with what she was going through without complicating matters any. (or did i even complicate matters? was i just a shell, a cipher? or am i being too hard on someone who really had affection for me?)
what i -am- doing, for certain, is thinking about it too much. it's over and done with, and these are all thoughts i've gone over again and again. i wish i could still be in touch with her, and discover the depths hiding beneath the surface, but i don't know if it's just selfish. i don't know if i could do her any good. i certainly didn't with the first chance i had. i pretty much did everything wrong, everything selfishly. why did i do that? i just took her for granted. i treated her like a floozy that was just for making out with, when she was really a fascinating person with class and character.
i find myself kind of wishing she would stumble upon this and read it, but that's reserved for movies.
geez, i need to go sleep.