slow ride, take it easy
so many things going on. i've likened life to juggling before, my life recently that is. now i'm juggling on a tight rope while spinning in circles. it makes me really tired but it's really fun. i don't want to stop, but i know i have to if i'm going to avoid a meltdown. if i keep going, i know i won't be able to make it. i am so tired, so drained, so hallucinating. i haven't been this way in so long, and i don't want to fall back into the habit. i used to stay up all night long and then wander around town early in the morning in a fuzzy happy state, feeling like a poet, like i was capable of being meaningful. all i accomplished through that was wasting a lot of time, a whole lot (i'm sure that my eyes do not thank me for it either), and in the end all that i accomplished was the destruction of whatever progress i had made, and the return to the home base, go back to square one, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
new paragraph. if i can't control myself, all that i have been doing and growing in will be destroyed and will die out. maybe i'm being melodramatic. at any rate, i feel like i've finally been able to at least build up a little bit of a foundation and to grow some and that it would be so easy to let it all go. i am getting addicted to you, you know who you are, but it is not your fault -- at least, except for your being someone that i can get so caught up in, i.e., yourself.
but this is not the right way to communicate, and i am too tired to keep writing anyway.
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breaking waves
the seashore is listening
to my heartbeat