nothing
it was good to see j.fu back as her old self again. she's been so tired and down and dragging lately, from work and school, and a little bit of romantic disgust i guess. sometimes i feel the same way.
i especially feel tired, and being tired makes me more susceptible to everything else -- being down and dragging, dry and lifeless... disgusted... but it's because i'm so tired.
i'm so tired, i think, because of the computer.
does the computer make me unable to sleep at night? maybe. i just sit here for hours on end. i wear my brain out by forcing it to wrap around long, abstract problems and tedious drudgery trying to get every pixel in the right place. i wear it out by diving too deeply into the metaphor of the screen, by becoming encompassed myself by the beige monitor's edges. i destroy my eyes this way, my mind's plasticity, and my sanity and identity.
then, i check every single email account i have, and every place where i might get a comment or a note, and every forum where someone might have been helped by what i wrote, and i get, as expected, nothing.
thus, depression.
for a moment i was almost cheered by j.fu's relentless bright madness, but my heart is too heavy at the moment, too heavy with the weight of sleeplessness and overwork and a sadness that i can't control.
but it's nothing permanent. i'll get rested up, one of these days, and i'll be better. it's a perpetual exercise for me to look beyond the moment and at the encompassing story, and to realize that, one day, this will all be in the past, and i'll remember it, and nod my head, and then get back to living.