i am having a heart attack later
i don't think that i really affect anyone
except the people that i'm not prepared to affect.
my lovers choose me and not vice versa.
i still have the choice whether to accept them,
but i cannot say "no".
do you want me out of your life? do you want me in it?
i guess i'm just reading into things that i cannot understand.
that, and i'm avoiding responsibility. i can't face my inbox because i'm not sure what to say. i suddenly realized, just this morning, that i'm not sure i could handle being friends with someone that i've been so intimate with. i've held her so close -- it would kill me so to see her held by someone else, and i can't even talk to her without the old emotions rising up again.
i stomped them down but they did not fail. i shot them but they did not die.
i have dreams sometimes of gunfights, chasing and dodging, running and shooting, but mostly of shooting my opponent over and over and over and he just won't die.
i blame video games.