happy birthday, astro boy
there is a part of me that acts, and there is a part that observes and suggests. there is a part of me that acts.
this is action chuck speaking, with kung-fu action grip.
i am almost ready to give up. i almost want to quit trying to develop friendships and to figure out what people want. i am almost ready to become a pseudo-hermit who only works and then seals himself away to experiment and invent.
i'm already halfway there, after all, but i keep trying to maintain human relationships. i can't help it.
i imagined last night what it might be like to stay in my house for a year, receiving food by delivery through a slot in the door and interacting with the outside world only through the internet and the telephone. i don't think i could do it. i imagined myself going mad and trying to express pure desperation through calmly sitting down and typing it out onto the web. it's impossible.
of course for this experiment to even happen i suppose it would have to be sponsored. it would be a show, or a webcast, a daily blog. would the show's producers stop me if i tried to leave the house early? would the world really pay any attention to someone going crazy alone in a house for an entire year? more importantly, in the mind of my imaginary show's producer, would they pay money for it?
well, i've totally forgotten any point i may have had here. as usual, i'm sure that i'll be less desperate once i've had some sleep. isn't it depressing, this consistency?
despite getting sleep and feeling better, though, i still won't understand people any better, and i think that i still won't matter to them any more than i do now.
so why feel better about it?