i'm trying to quit. just one more.
i suppose that i don't really know what i really want.
all of this fumbling, feeling, searching, uncertainty, pain, numbness, flummoxed wondering and wandering -- it's all looking for something. it's all trees.
however... some of the trees are mighty fine to contemplate.
i think that i want certain things that most people want, like companionship and comfort, and i am interested in anybody from whom they seem available. i'm sorry if this includes you. i realized tonight that even when i know what i want, i am not resolute to obtain that one thing. instead, if it appears that i can't have it, i may mourn, but i turn quickly to the next alternative.
i'd say that this behavior is fine when applied to, say, computer speakers, but it seems crass, base, and mercenary when it involves another person. or, ah, several other people.
i guess i'm saying this because i want anybody who may ever be interested in me (and who also reads this) to know that it is not personal if i seem wishy-washy. it's just because i am that way. i'm working on it.
maybe it'd help if you, mmm, got my attention?
(this tactic is bound to work. "hey, i'm just interested in you cos you've got two x chromosomes. you should gimme a big kiss!")
maybe i should go to sleep now. it's late.