so sick of not trying, scared that we might fail
(this entry's title comes from the lyrics to a Refused song, "Summerholidays vs. Punkroutine")
so, happy turkey day at last. hope you ate too much, and were reminded in some way of the good things in life. i was.
j.fu is truly a beautiful person, and i wish that i could see her every day. even she, though, has things about her that i don't like; and suddenly i realized that i have been looking for someone that i will always like. is it possible to always like anything? even the happiest person must hate living at some point. even saybra must not feel like drinking dr pepper sometimes.
even though i realize this, though, i know that it's not really sinking in. it's a knowledge about myself that i didn't have before, but it's not a complete changing. i'm just going to have to act on that knowledge and hope that doing so will effect the change, so that i'll eventually be the way i want to be without the need for deliberate action.
isn't that pretty much a description of what everybody wants?
tonight i was reminded of how i overthink things and don't just do enough. there's definitely a line -- sometimes you have to stop and think -- but it seems that my thinking is not always very productive, or that it pushes me past the worthwhile point into the waste of time point.
either that, or i'm expecting too much of myself and then blaming my disappointment on other things. man, i'm realizing stuff left and right today. must be the turkey.
i also realized something just a minute ago. whenever a friend moves away, i usually want to feel closure. i want there to be a going-away party, and then i'll feel like they're gone. at that point, i guess that i just don't know what to say once, and so i don't say anything. i never wanted it to be that way.
i hope i don't ever let that happen again.