problems
my problem is that i see insignificant decisions as being representative of or metaphorical for larger, more important decisions.
my other problem is that i can't explain anything very well. if i try to tell stories here, i know that they're not very good and so i get all sorts of anxiety and i just have to delete them.
i also seem to have a problem with wanting to talk to people to whom i don't really have anything to say (sometimes i hate proper grammar, but i hate bad grammar, too).
i definitely have a problem with wanting other things than what i have. i guess you could call it "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome.
i have a problem with things changing all the time. i've been through so many friends. they just keep moving away, and i can try to keep in touch but it's just not the same. i think that that's why i want to move away from this stupid town -- it's because everyone else does, too, leaving me stuck here, alone. i guess i see it as there being some place where i will finally arrive and be able to meet people who will also have arrived.
someone once told me that i'm not alone, but she moved away.
i also have a problem with this freaking diary, where i'm trying to create art, but i'm also just trying to get my feelings out. why do people try to prune up their emotions into pretty shapes for other people to admire? why does it matter what other people think? they feel this way, too, even if they won't admit it. and if they don't feel this way, then what right do they have to criticize someone who does?
now that i think about it, i'm usually the one keeping relationships intact, calling people up and going over to their house. i'm too afraid to risk the consequences of not doing so.
i'm also the one who complains about the food or drinks at a party, even though i didn't contribute a penny.
i'm a big mess, people. what am i doing here?