"the reality was hard to get my head around"
a little over a year ago -- a month before i first moved to san antonio -- i got involved with a girl that i worked with. we did a lot of kissing, and had sex once, and then after i moved here she just gradually stopped talking to me.
initially the whole thing was pretty "cool", as in removed, separated, logical. we didn't get to know each other too well before we locked lips. i am not normally a cool, rational, emotionally isolated individual, but i think i played one around her. i knew i was moving, and i didn't have any expectations for a long-term relationship. the first (and only) time we had sex, i immediately started feeling guilty for consciously fucking someone that i didn't love. (now i'm distracted by the use of the word "fucking" :/ ). but as a result of the sex, i think, i started getting attached.
it was assumed at first that we wouldn't get attached. it was kind of cool that we had similar assumptions that were apparently telepathically transmitted at a below-conscious level. (at least, as far as i know.) i probably also felt pretty grown-up for entering into a calm, unemotional relationship, but i don't recall that as clearly as the mutually unstated assumptions.
i guess we did talk about these assumptions a little. or she did at least. i remember her saying that we shouldn't get attached, buuut.... i didn't say anything, but i kissed her hand. "you are so sweet," she said.
why didn't i say anything? what was i thinking then? i wanted attachment, even though i knew i was moving. or maybe i agreed that we shouldn't get attached, but couldn't voice it because it clashed with my ideal of sex happening only within a relationship. (at this point we hadn't yet had sex.)
i didn't have sex with her the first time it was possible, or the second. it was too weird to me to contemplate the idea of going out with this coworker, and immediately getting naked and fornicating. i had fantasized about coworkers before, including her, but the reality was hard to get my head around.
she may have grown close and been genuinely fond of me, but i am just not sure. i was not too good to her. and we did not talk much.
on the other hand, she was still in love with somebody from her past, who committed suicide. maybe i was just filling in?
and maybe i will continue this story later. i've lost my inertia.