having no idea
there is a duality in me and i don't know if it's true or if i'm deceiving myself.
reality, though, however much at odds it is with perceptions, is providing evidence in support of the former.
reality is supporting the idea that god is true and real and that he is supporting me. in fact, he is not just supporting me, but he is also holding me up entirely, and if i'm doing anything good, it's not because of myself; it's totally despite that, in fact. i think that i am a petty, mean-spirited little person; but other people see good things in me. all i can say is that i certainly didn't put them there.
Question 17. If it is true that one has only to want God enough in order to find Him, how can I make myself want Him enough to enable myself to find Him?
Lewis: If you don't want God, why are you so anxious to want to want Him? I think that in reality the want is a real one, and I should say that this person has in fact found God, although it may not be fully recognized yet. We are not always aware of things at the time they happen. At any rate, what is more important is that God has found this person, and that is the main thing.
--C.S. Lewis, "Answers to Questions on Christianity" (taken from God in the Dock)