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i am not at peace.
so me going wasn't just as fantastical as you going? so you couldn't wait till later this year? life is shorter but that wouldn't have made it any longer. it's not that i didn't want any more -- i didn't want any more yet.
but i shouldn't have started anything. i should have said, "you are right, let's just be friends."
and now i don't remember how you justified me "not pursuing" even though, also according to you, i was the one initiating everything. it wasn't that i wasn't pursuing -- it was that i wasn't just as willing as you to throw everything away. when did being rational lose its appeal? and you weren't so willing to throw everything away as to actually do it. neither was i. how do we differ here? oh yes, you are female and so it's easier for you to throw everything away on a romantic spree. and then you fault me for being male and thus having a harder time doing it, when you have an easier time and still didn't even do it?
i asked you to come here (genuinely forgetting the possible dangers -- and did you really fear me?), facing and setting aside that discomfort. i would have gone to san diego -- i wouldn't have gone on that trip except to meet you. but you did have good reasons for that not working, good rational reasons. finally it came down to possibly throwing away the band which i've been in for over a year, shirking the responsibility which i had agreed to, and spending all of the money i have been saving up for who knows how long, all for the last thing that we could do, and who knows what would happen afterward? we talked as if meeting would then lead to some other fascinating development that we couldn't yet foresee, or maybe it was just that then you would be able to continue talking to me.
after you hung up last night, i went walking, and for the life of me, i couldn't figure out why i said no.
i was planning on getting online today and buying that plane ticket, and emailing you the departure and arrival times. but a friend talked me down, back to reality.
i don't care about the money anymore, i don't care about the band. but i appear to have been erased clean out of your life simply because i wouldn't meet your expectations, and i am incredibly angry at you.
but every time i did something to encourage your feelings, i had the feeling that i shouldn't do it; and when i said, "yes, let's have a relationship", i was in an imaginary place.
and god has been in this. i prayed more last night than i ever have before.
and i started something and maybe i wasn't willing to finish it. i didn't think it necessarily needing finishing just yet; i don't understand why you couldn't wait. i'm honestly not sure why i didn't say yes.
but i think that it was because i felt for a moment that i was in a fantasy, in an imaginary place, i was acting out a movie, not reality.
i don't know what else to say, i don't know if there's any need. i know you won't read this; i know that you have removed me from your life.
i want you to know that i'm sorry.